So here I am; another evening hunched over my PC, scared completely shitless . It’s not a new porn craze this time, but something altogether closer to home. A few months ago I realised I was no longer attracting quite the attention I deserved so got myself online, pressed a few buttons and did something rather rash to remedy the situation. I quit my job, booked my ticket and sat smugly back as the admiration poured in. Oh yeah.
Now all I want is a hole to climb down and suck my thumb in.
Not really of course. While it’s certainly true that I feel, pulsing through every muscle and sinew, an all consuming fear I also know this is how my brain processes change. I apparently have the mind of a racist old woman, scaring itself half to death the moment anything even slightly out of the ordinary threatens to move in next door. It sits there in my noggin muttering to itself, hoping whoever it is moving furniture behind the partition wall goes away. All day I’ve found thoughts of tomorrow slipping my mind like a greased pig in a bobsled. The moment something useful popped up there I’d find something infinitely more trivial to focus on. Oh look, a penny! That’s an interesting smell, I wonder who made it? Whereever did I put my 1998 Young Enterprise participation award? Best tear my bedroom apart to find it! Necessary chores had to wait until literally the last minute thanks to this incredibly annoying (yet rather soothing) methodology. This blog post? Originally a task for this morning, but here I am half an hour before bed tapping away like a shortsighted woodpecker. With fingers. Oh well, at least I’ve an excuse for any speeling mistakes.
But yes. I’m off. I’ve been back in the UK for 4 years and at my last job for 3. This is the longest I’ve gone without doing anything stupid since uni, which is something of an achievement when you think about it. But, about a month back, I decided this was far too sensible, fetched down the “X days since Something Stupid Happened” sign hanging above my mental mantlepiece and twirled the counter back to zero. And now here I am again, waiting to discover exactly how stupid a decision that was.
Let’s find out.