I know. I don’t care.

Yes we’re now a not inconsiderable way into 2014 but still. I’ve had the notion to do a Best of 2013 for a few weeks but until now simply haven’t gotten to it. Here’s a handy list of excuses for my tardiness:

– I was hired by a woodland beautician to promote his exclusive range of animal toenail polishes and haven’t had the time.

– I contracted a rare form of psychosis and believed my iPad to be a window to another world. I was unable to approach said tablet for fear of being sucked into The Other Place.

– A wandering giant informed me I was actually a sorcerer of some repute and must begin an arduous journey of self identity to confront a great evil. I sold my iPad to purchase mystical train tickets before noticing his in-patient wristband and informing the relevant authorities.

Oooh it’s like a Chose Your Own Adventure book!

Anyway. No-one’s here because they want to be. Let’s get this over with.

Movie of the Year: Blue is the Warmest Colour.

Lesbians. Blue Hair. Lykke Li. This film has literally everything. It’s a love story set to the tempo of Gandi or Lawrence of Arabia, a film of 3 hours (that’s 3 hour long massages!) with a cast of two, plus some extras muddling around in the narrative background. I laughed, I cried, I felt my French improve with every swear. Yes, it’s in French. Don’t judge. Not every French film is a bloke on a tricycle throwing paint at his cats, some are epic forays into the nature of overbearing, all-consuming love. Like this one.

It’s fucking incredible and stayed with me for 3 whole days. This was inconvenient as there are shitloads of girls with blue hair in this part of the world, and every time I saw one I wanted to hug her and cry down her earhole.

Album of the Year

Fuck. Alright, I’ve 2 here. Rubbish. My head is telling me it’s Arcade Fire’s stupendous Reflektor but my heart is screaming for Daft Punk’s soft disco opus, Random Access Memories.

The latter has so many memories attached to it it’s untrue (ha, I just got that). As detailed in a previous post that thankfully almost no-one read this album was almost but not quite ruined by various highs and lows I muddled through whilst getting to know it. Thankfully the highs eventually won out and now all I see every time I hear it is Ru, my jaguar from Bolivia, trying to eat my watch.

Reflektor on the other hand is just stupid. I mean how can one band be so consistent in their unwavering genius? If Albert Einstein had decided all those numbers were a bit dry and sat down with his notepad maybe, maybe if he’d had a ten year run at it, he’d have come up with a few songs that would have just missed the cut on Reflektor. It’s so good it almost makes me angry. It falls just short of this however and, as we all know, just below anger is manic happiness which is exactly what I feel every time I stick this down my lugholes. It’s fucking silly.

Song of the Year

Get Lucky. That’s the law this year, right?

Country of the Year: erm…

Bollocks. Another tough one. Colombia introduced me to some amazing people and, I think it’s fair to say, changed how I view the world. Peru pulled the pin on even more mind grenades and threw Machu Picchu into the mix. Bolivia…well, Bolivia had El Parque which in turn gave me the best six weeks of my life hands down. So yes, I think it’s the latter there.

I got to look after a fucking jaguar. And some monkeys. I was so stupidly happy for a while there I thought I was going to burst and spray Rik paint over everyone. I didn’t, but it was a close run thing. Although some seeds planted here never bore fruit, and indeed threatened to go a bit mental and spoil the whole crop, I still look back on El Parque as the highpoint to which all other highs are compared. Nothing’s really come close.*

Rating out of Ten of the Year

Lazy, but effective.

So yeah, it’s been a good one. It’s seen me cross more borders than in any other, look after more animals than in any other, fall a bit head-over-heels an equal amount of times to only one other and finally left me stranded out here, the other side of the world to the room I was from my mother’s womb untimely ripped. 2014 lies ahead like a huge snake, it’s fangs full of either the sweet juice of contentment or the bitter poison of, I dunno, that feeling when you’ve just woken up and can’t remember who you are.

Happy New Year everyone!

*Bloody hell that sounds fucking morbid.


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